Elitist in Chief

Oh snap! Turn out the lights. This one's over, folks. Looks like an intrepid journalist just spotted a pair of $520 Ferragamo shoes on the feet of Presidential candidate Barack O...whatchootalkinaboutwillis?

They were worn by Don Juan McMaverick? WHOA! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the...? I don't- Starting to feel woozy... Hold on now! No. Stop it. Stop! Wait just one straightalking minute! John McCain in sole-coddling Euro loafers? Does. Not. Compute. John McCain is a war hee-ro (because while trying to drop Napalm on civilians he got shot down and held captive by a bunch of gooks who did a bunch of nasty things that were once considered torture until a guy who once accused McStraighty of having an illegitimate black daughter started doing them, at which point The Straightness decided they were okay). John McCain is a man of the people, damn it! We know this because he has a ranch! Just like all the rest of us who own ranches! (Except he doesn't own a ranch.) Ah, fuck it! We all own new-age retreats in gated subdivisions in towns populated by aging hippie fascists.

Keep talking liberal media. We all know Barack Obama is the elititst in this campaign, because he was the coddled son of a Navy Admiral. D'oh! Because he cheated on his first wife then dumped her for a barely legal sugar mamita. Double d'oh! I mean because he went to an Ivy League school on a scholarship! Wait, there's nothing wrong with that. I hope my kid gets a scholarship to an Ivy, otherwise it's community college. No, wait, wait, I've got it. Barack Obama is an elitist because he's a Democrat. Ah...

Goodbye Abe, Goodbye Teddy

Can we finally stop calling the Republicans a political party? Not that this kind of thing should shock anyone anymore. Wait a minute. It should shock people. People, wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up! You vote for Republicans and this is what you get. But Obama is uppity, so...

Can we start a meme? Let's do that. Let's start one of them thar memes. It goes like this:

There is no more Republican Party. All that is left is a criminal conspiracy masquerading as a political party.

Let's face it, if Honest Abe or that rabid fan of the National Parks system Roosevelt were alive today they would be Democrats. Liberal Democrats! You can bet their former Party would no longer have them, and the reason, in case I forgot to mention it, is that it is entirely populated by crooks!

Now, memorize the phrase criminal conspiracy masquerading as a political party and use it as often and with as much gleeful malice as Republicans use the phrase Democrat Party. This is your mission. This is your time.