Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Elitist in Chief

Oh snap! Turn out the lights. This one's over, folks. Looks like an intrepid journalist just spotted a pair of $520 Ferragamo shoes on the feet of Presidential candidate Barack O...whatchootalkinaboutwillis?

They were worn by Don Juan McMaverick? WHOA! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the...? I don't- Starting to feel woozy... Hold on now! No. Stop it. Stop! Wait just one straightalking minute! John McCain in sole-coddling Euro loafers? Does. Not. Compute. John McCain is a war hee-ro (because while trying to drop Napalm on civilians he got shot down and held captive by a bunch of gooks who did a bunch of nasty things that were once considered torture until a guy who once accused McStraighty of having an illegitimate black daughter started doing them, at which point The Straightness decided they were okay). John McCain is a man of the people, damn it! We know this because he has a ranch! Just like all the rest of us who own ranches! (Except he doesn't own a ranch.) Ah, fuck it! We all own new-age retreats in gated subdivisions in towns populated by aging hippie fascists.

Keep talking liberal media. We all know Barack Obama is the elititst in this campaign, because he was the coddled son of a Navy Admiral. D'oh! Because he cheated on his first wife then dumped her for a barely legal sugar mamita. Double d'oh! I mean because he went to an Ivy League school on a scholarship! Wait, there's nothing wrong with that. I hope my kid gets a scholarship to an Ivy, otherwise it's community college. No, wait, wait, I've got it. Barack Obama is an elitist because he's a Democrat. Ah...

Goodbye Abe, Goodbye Teddy

Can we finally stop calling the Republicans a political party? Not that this kind of thing should shock anyone anymore. Wait a minute. It should shock people. People, wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up! You vote for Republicans and this is what you get. But Obama is uppity, so...

Can we start a meme? Let's do that. Let's start one of them thar memes. It goes like this:

There is no more Republican Party. All that is left is a criminal conspiracy masquerading as a political party.

Let's face it, if Honest Abe or that rabid fan of the National Parks system Roosevelt were alive today they would be Democrats. Liberal Democrats! You can bet their former Party would no longer have them, and the reason, in case I forgot to mention it, is that it is entirely populated by crooks!

Now, memorize the phrase criminal conspiracy masquerading as a political party and use it as often and with as much gleeful malice as Republicans use the phrase Democrat Party. This is your mission. This is your time.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

L'Esprit de l'Escalier

In a series of mystical visions I encounter the 'gadflies and hornets' of our political culture ~


I'm riding a bike around Washington and spot 'The Dean' going into Politics and Prose, no doubt with the intent of covertly dusting off his own neglected output. I call out as I pass, reminding him that he said of the Clintons, 'They came in here and they trashed the place, and it isn't their place.' And because 'You bastarding douchebag of a cunty old hack' doesn't quite capture it, I instead shout, 'You fatuous fascist. You fast fading flatulent gasbag. You fatuous flatulent fraud. Shut up, Broder. Broder, do you hear me? SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!' The Dean is startled by this unprovoked attack from a cyclist clad only in pajamas and spits up his Metamucil, like a baby who has been burped too hard.

Mission accomplished, I roll on, at ease but not at rest, never at rest. I know this was but one skirmish in a larger war. And so I gird myself for my next encounter with the banality of evil, available wherever the news is sold.

Panty Waste-ism

Up on Kos right now is a diary titled God D*amn South Carolina. A heartfelt and compelling story about a miscarriage of justice. A young gay man was murdered by someone who got off with a 5 year sentence, suspended to 3. His killer will be eligible for parole in 10 months. 10 months for murder. Sorry, murder of a fag in South Carolina. So the author of the diary chose what in my estimation is a most appropriate title, if a little low key. Good gracious, he even bowdlerized "Damn" to "D*mn". I may not know what Dasteriskamn means, but I grew up in the South and as far as I'm concerned there are a baker's million of reasons to damn every former member of the Confederacy to hell for all eternity plus life, even ignoring this latest outrage. Et alors, motherfuckers, the diarist was more than justified in expressing himself the way he did. But this being Kos...

The aggrieved diarist was soon forced to update:

UPDATE: As I wrote in the comments, the title is aimed at a state government which would object with outrage to a gay tourism ad, but react with silence to this gross miscarriage of justice. I am not condemning the entire state, but rather, the government which allowed this to happen.

Which begs the question, Why the flip flop and fuck are Kossacks leaving comments in defense of South Carolina's honor? Is it because they imagine other Kossacks are so pig ignorant we might actually take the title literally and believe him to be damning - Jeremiah Wright-style - every member of the polity? Every last gun-toting, bible-thumping, flag-waving, wife-beating, cow-tipping, mouth-breathing, mullet-wearing, immigrant-bashing, fag-slaughtering one of them? Pishaw! We're far more sophisticated than that. Do the commenters really think we'd condemn an entire state by abusing the crudest of stereotypes? Double pishaw! We know better than that, my friends.

My question is, given that we know better, who are the servile little shits, the boot-quakers, ass-lickers and panty wastes who get so dern skeered about a Kos diarist besmirching the honor of a state whose greatest honor is firing the first shot in the Civil War? So skeered that they rush to warn the diarist he might be offending a few of the Palmetto State's more glaringly vacant minds? Who are these commenters and where and for how long have they been held captive by the Right's FARC of the mind? Because they display the classic signs of Democrat Stockholm Syndrome, defined in DSM-V as the need to see, sympathize with and sub-consciously support the Christian Falangist side of the argument, despite their own position being as reasonable and non-threatening as a rainbow-colored rabbit fucking a unicorn. I understand that the Overton Window has been moved so far to the right these last twenty years of Republican rule that once centrist or even center-right positions are now likely to be seen as quasi-Marxist by the corporate commentariat and the Entertainment Industrial Complex. But there is a reason Lenin thought it more important to kill Social Democrats than Monarchists. The former were the only force capable of undermining the revolution from within.

So I call bullshit on the captives of phony bipartisanship and Mutually Assured Disrespect. I call out the panty wastes and cowards. If they think the citizens of South Carolina are somehow better than the government they elected, let them install their sorry butts in Charleston - or better yet Spartanburg - and find out.

If we hope to move the Overton window back to the left (formerly the center) and our national conversation back to a potentially post-nationalist, post-chauvinist sweet spot of sanity, the last thing we need to be doing is hand-wringing over a diary title on Kos because it might upset the citizens of a state whose government considers a man's (homo)sexuality a mitigating circumstance in the trial of his murderer.

And honey, don't even get me started on the lynching that went on way back in the...oh snap! The twentieth century.